Too exhausted for sex or exhausted from sex?

Once upon a time, many eons ago . . .

It was the latter. Today? Well, I think you know the answer. As do a great many moms around the globe. Whether you’re a mom of littles, tweens, or teens, my guess is #sexhaustion can rear its ugly and formidable head (you caught the pun, right?). Pent up husbands and wives everywhere put on their best seduction only to receive a quick, hard, and resounding . . .


Has the pandemic helped? I don’t know, has it? Maybe in your household, but as a stay-at-home mom of littles, my life hasn’t changed much. As a person whose Love Language used to be Touch, I can tell you that by the time 8 PM rolls around, that is usually the last thing I want next to taking out the garbage and essentially doing anything other than allowing my couch to swallow me whole. I am exhausted.

So how do we overcome #sexhaustion? After all, sexual intimacy is an important role in all marriages. As with anything, what works for one person may not work for another, and this is not completely one-sided, either! So, be gone spousal guilt of the sexual kind, because I’m here to say I’m not the only one saying a polite “no thank you” on a regular basis. (Ok, I admit, it’s more of an annoyed: “You’re barking up the wrong tree, Buddy.”) #sexhausted

Time of Day

Evenings are HARD at my house. We work, we play, we craft, we play, we work, we clean. There is no end of things to be done, and quiet times of the past have now become work zones. So when I say evenings are hard, this is after the kids go to bed! I’m EXHAUSTED! So what time of day will work to get some extracurricular snuggles in? Mornings? Afternoons? Early evenings? Where there is a will there is a way. Get up early or turn on a show for the kiddos. Lock your bedroom door and then put a chair under the door handle (’cause kids are smart). Make time for YOU!


Married couples everywhere emit a sigh of exasperation. Shouldn’t sex be spontaneous?! Passionate?! Eclipsing?! Wow, wanna swap lives? Reality is, yes, sex can be all of those things. Sometimes, it doesn’t need to be. Sometimes, you both may just need to let off a little steam. Not passionate enough for you? Then clearly your libido is well in-check, and I bow down to and envy you, dear sister. The truth is, a schedule can work. When both parties are aware that sex is on the menu after dinner or before breakfast, the anticipation can be enticing. Send a little sext while you’re at it, and you’ll be surprised where the day takes you!

Expectations & Deadlines

Relating to scheduling extracurricular snuggle time, setting an expectation, and possibly even a deadline, does work for some people. You might both agree that you’ll have sex at least once a week rather than a set schedule. When Sunday rolls around and no nookie has been had, well, you know what needs to be done. Have an extra espresso at 4 PM and lay out your lingerie for after the kids go to bed. A little extra energy and a sexy reminder that tonight is your night! This also lessens the pressure for a particular day AND has the added benefit of being a friendly reminder on days you are in the mood to go for it!

These are but a few tricks to work physical intimacy into your already taxing, #sexhausted life. I’m sure you can think of more if you get creative enough. Sex coupons? Draw a sex activity out of a jar? Commit to an after-bedtime date night that involves strip poker? One thing can lead to another even when you’re not in the mood. There’s also an app for that, of course.

At the end of the day, you do you, Mama.

And remember, sex is good for everybody in your house. #happywifehappylife. You may not think you want it, but your biological body literally disagrees. Work through the #sexhaustion, your mind, and mental health will thank you!

Sara Hoogeveen
Sara is a career child welfare worker turned career mama. After having their first child, Marian (Feb 2017), she realized her true calling in life was to mom and mom hard! Sara resides with her husband, Blake, and daughter in West Omaha. They are expecting their second child, Henry, August 2019. Sara is a Nebraska transplant from Iowa while Blake grew up in Bellevue, NE. She has a professional background in child development, psychology, and human services, and puts these degrees to use every day in raising her children. Sara is a staunch believer in only being able to care for others when you also care for yourself. When she’s not momming, she can be found reading books from a book club she co-leads, cooking, or crafting.